A letter you won't see

Hello,

I thought you should know that I have been thinking about you recently. Suddenly. Weird enough.

Life without you has been pretty peaceful. & I must say that I've enjoyed that serenity until recently when it turned into a form of emptiness. Supper is silent & I no longer have to greet anyone good morning when I'm on my way to school anymore.

I didn't expect this to happen. Really. How can this missing be so troubling? I didn't even fall that deep into it. Or did I not realise?

At one point of time I really wished you were here, beside me, so I could hug fat you to sleep.

Then I questioned myself "why?".

Because I am lonely? Because I love you? Because I simply miss being needed?

I don't know.

But I know that these thoughts should be kept away from you. Because I am a selfish person. & because I have no confidence that I would stand by you if someone tempting suddenly appears. This isn't fair.

It was an upsetting moment when you asked about him & I. I felt our distance. & I felt that you don't hate him anymore, because I don't mean anything to you anymore too.

I forgotten what was happening but there was a moment when you held my waist lightly, like how you did last time. In that moment, my spine felt funny; in a good way though.

It is good to see & hear that you're happy  now. I hope this will remain status quo.

Now I just wonder if I had made the wrong choice back then. Like how would things be now if I had persevered on? But I was really on the verge of going crazy that time.

After all these I just want to say thank you though. Thank you for being so courageous for taking the first step. Thank you for being so silly to get yourself so involved in me. Thank you for making me feel that there's a purpose in my existence. & thank you for being my wonderwall.

Despite all the meaningless arguments we had & all the unhappiness that extended beyond the two of us, when I think back now, all I remember are the good - doing groceries at 3am, studying unproductively together & forgoing precious sleep just to make my stupid tassels - I can't remember the bad stuffs anymore, except for all the wrongs I did to you.

Perhaps this is just another passing phase that I will soon get over. But regardless, I am glad that I have such a crazy year to reminisce after I degenerate into an old woman. Thanks for the memories.